Sunday, September 20, 2015

How to Be the Best Mom Ever


Do you want to be a perfect mom? I do. After reading a lot of parenting articles and research, I think I’ve finally figured out how to be the best mom ever. 

Appearance 

Your children should wear appropriate attire. They should match but not too much. Otherwise you will look like you are trying too hard. Mix in some stripes with polka dots so your children look fashionable. Finally, add a smudge of dirt on their face so they look as if they are getting plenty of unstructured play. 

Breastfeeding 

Exclusively breastfeed your children for one year. After that, stop because it’s weird. When out in public, make sure to use a nursing cover so you don’t offend anyone. 

Be Happy 

Be happy because perfect parents are always happy. Don’t let anyone see you cry or act vulnerable. And, definitely don’t admit your imperfections.   

Watch Your Children...but not too Much 

Watch your children from exactly 15.5 feet away. Any closer and you’ll be called a helicopter parent. Any further and your neighbors might call the cops on you for being negligent.  

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Pinterest-Perfect 

Each day you should make and perfect at least 10 pins from your Pinterest board. Crafts, strawberry cupcakes with homemade frosting, and cornbread made from non-GMO corn.   

Have it All 

To be a perfect mom you’ll need to be a CEO of a company, the president of your school’s PTA/PTO, and do all of this at night so you can be a SAHM during the day. Drink at least 8 cups of coffee a day so you’ll be able to achieve this. 

Prepare your Children 

By age two, your kids should be potty-trained. By age three, they should be able to count to 100 and write their name in D'Nealian style script. 

Food


Only feed your child organic food from your backyard or rooftop garden. All meals must include five different-colored fruits and vegetables. However, make sure no ones sees your kids eating organic food because you might be labeled trendy or snobby.


Swaddle


Swaddle your child using blankets that are 25 inches by 25 inches. But don’t swaddle them too tight or they might get hip dysplasia. Wait no, new research shows swaddling is bad.

There, that doesn’t seem too hard or confusing, now does it? Now, you are ready to be the best mom ever!

I think it’s hard to be a parent!  There is a lot of conflicting information out there and so much judgement. As much as I try not to worry about what others think and be an informed parent, I often feel people’s eyes on me.  What are your thoughts on this topic?

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